Uneaten Excerpts From A Newsweek Article

This morning while picking up remnants of a shredded Newsweek off of the floor (sadly, this is how I get most of my reading done these days), I noticed a survey all about moms:

Stay-at-home-moms, if compensated for all the hours they work, would net $131,471 a year, says Salary.com.

To this I say, THAT'S ALL! They've got to be kidding. When I was working full-time as an engineer, I got sick days, vacation days, weekends AND evenings off. I used to get lunch breaks to fill with leisurely jogs. I'd go off and have coffee with my colleagues in the afternoon and chat about really technical topics like who we thought should be booted off of Survivor. Long meetings were a really good time for some deep meditation, and every other week, a nice deposit was made into my bank account for all of my hard work.

Now, I'm on call 24/7. I get to handle hazardous human waste multiple times a day. Lunch break, leisurely jog? Oh, such fond memories. My chats over coffee go something like:
"Yes, Sarah, that's a ball. Ball. BALL. Can you say ball? BAAAALLL. BAAAAALLLLL. Don't eat the ficus!"
And, the paychecks, well, they never come.

3% of moms say that they are happy with their bodies after giving birth.

Those 3% are probably still working off the effects of the epidural.

94% of dads say Mom's as sexy as ever.

No man would be stupid enough to say otherwise - he might end up with diaper duty.

57% of college grads say they plan on moving back home.

Oh, no. Moving in with us once was enough.

50% of women say their moms are their best friends.

Oh, how sweet... Sarah, get some friends your own age.

71% say their husbands get on their nerves more than their children do.

No comment.

(Ha! Ha! Just kidding, Mike. Keep the paychecks coming.)